We (meaning my husband and I) have been saying for months that we don’t need to workout, as we have our very own CrossFit trainers SLEEPING IN OUR BED. That’s right, one of them can talk very well and the other sort of just yells one word sentences in our general direction, but other than that they are some kick ass personal trainers. I think every parent will agree that your LIFE is a CrossFit gym when you have one or more small children.
Just in case any of you were interested in getting into shape, we have provided a great workout based on what our own little trainers have taught us. Be warned that soreness will not be taken into account (you cry baby), nor will vomiting, the common cold, or all around fatigue. You are a parent. You press on.
*We are not doctors, personal trainers, or anything other than two extremely exhausted parents who need a laugh. You should consult your own doctor before beginning any workout regimen, assuming you have the 5 minutes of alone time to call and schedule a doctor’s appointment without someone screaming in your ear OR the balls to ask your child’s pediatrician questions in order to diagnose your own contrived illnesses.
#1: The Uphill Stroller Push
Your body should be completely horizantal. Bonus points if you are also baby wearing during this one.
#2: The Cook-and-Carry
It is 5:00 and you are making dinner. Your child hears you in the kitchen which (of course) means it is snuggle time. They want up and you say okay. Now you have gotten yourself into a crazy bicep building workout that could last anywhere from one to three hours. Bonus points if you switch arms in the middle to get an even workout on both sides. Sure, using your non-dominant hand may cause you to burn part of dinner but lets not pretend your child was actually going to eat it anyway…
#3: The Body Bend
Seriously, how strong is your baby/toddler/child? Because my children are superhuman. This exercise can be accomplished while trying to get your child into the carseat and/or stroller against their will. So usually in public and about 20 times a day. It should be like trying to bend a wooden plank. Bonus points for you if there is thrashing or screaming involved.
#4: The Keep-Your-Child-Away-From-Danger Dash
Run after child, keeping your body bent over to grab their hand while simultaneously making sure your purse/diaper bag does not empty its contents onto the ground. If you are using a leash, this exercise does not count, but I totally understand your point of view.
#5: Baby Wearing
Zumba? Walking? Cooking? Hiking? Shopping? While going to the bathroom? Or all of the above? Or throughout the entire freaking day because said baby is teething and wants nothing to do with their feet touching the ground? Bonus points if you are also nursing your baby simultaneously.
#6: Toddler Drag
Going boneless for them may sound like fun, and now it can be for you too if you just make it your workout of the day! By the arm, pants, shirt, foot, whatever means it takes to peel your toddler from whatever surface they are glued to and drag them to the car or, God forbid, all the way home. This one earns you both a physical AND emotional workout.
#7: The Child Accessory Carry
Have a child who rides a bike? I bet you will have to end up carrying it home 90% of the time. What about sand toys? Those might be a little heavier walking back to the car when they are filled with the cement/mud/sand mixture your child concocted.
#8: The Pants Wrangle
If you grew up on a farm and know how to hogtie, you are probably really good at getting your child dressed. For the rest of us, it takes precision, skill, and catlike reflexes. Riddle me this, how do you get the child to keep the right leg of her pants on when you are trying to wrangle her left leg into said pants as she thrashes around? Or do you just give up? Would this be the right time to just let the kid walk out of the house naked?
#9: The Dead Weight Lift
The happiest workout of them all, parents! Here, you get to bring your (beautiful because they are asleep) sleeping child from the carseat/stroller/sofa all the way to their nice, cozy bed. Just make sure you move as slowly as possible because we all know the kid will sleep through a dance party next door, but if you so much as BREATHE the wrong way when placing them in their bed they will sit up and want additional bedtime stories.